My parents are awesome. Please don’t get me wrong, I love them to pieces, however, I do love them mostest when they’re not in Kansas. They live in Alabama & make a road trip usually about once a year. My Pops (step-dad) is in his 80s and my Mom (and cancer survivor) is in her very late 60s. This makes them old people, and old people are awesome… mostly!
The thing about my parents is that they usually go to bed at 6:30 p.m. (yea the sun is still up) and wake up at 4 a.m. I don’t know why, they just do. You’d think they were farmers or something, but they’re not. Just two retired, active (sorta) senior citizens. They are very set in their ways, very vocal & very opinionated.
They arrived Saturday morning and as usual I was up early busting ass on my house before they arrived. This is normal protocol because if one thing is dirty, if there is one crumb, one rug left unbeaten, one corner not swept, mopped & disinfected… Oh I will hear about it. Then after I hear about it, my siblings will most likely then hear about it as well. Needless to say having my parents here is exhausting, even before they arrive. Not to mention that, I have a new obnoxious puppy named Astrid that my parents were meeting for the first time. Thankfully we had great weather & I didn’t have to follow Astrid around cleaning up puppy paw prints each time she came in from outside. That would have majorly sucked!
[Warning Content of a somewhat graphic nature ahead]
So anyways they arrive, I’m comfortable with the condition of my house & just know there isn’t one thing they could possibly find an issue with, right? Wrong! The first thing my Pops does is go to the bathroom, because as he says it… He “really has to go because his bowels are a turnin”. No problem, my bathroom is clean & I point him in the direction of my nearest bathroom since this is also their first time at my new place. About twenty minutes later my Pops walks out and informs me that the water level on my toilet is too high. Ummm what? At this point I’m thinking he may have flooded my bathroom. No worries, I have a plunger and I know how to use it. This isn’t the case. He goes on to explain that while he was sitting to do his business, his ummm “junk” was touching the water. Um thanks Pops for that. So two things, he’s either uhh well equipped, way to go Mom? OR when you get old, every freaking thing sags! Yea, that’s it… every freaking thing sags. Ewww! Thanks for the graphic I just did not need. Good thing I have two bathrooms. Here Pops try the other. No go… water is too high in there too. So of course this means that I need thicker toilet seats or I need to get my manager out here asap on Monday to “fix this immediately”. No one else has had this issue Pops but I’ll get right on that, not!
That was only the beginning & best story I have for you guys. In all honesty my parents are fun to have around. In fact my Pops is just like “shitmydadsays” but with less cursing. He will not even hesitate to belch at the dinner table and follow it with “not bad manners, just good grub or whatever”.
I haven’t really mentioned my Mom yet but I will mention her homemade Fantasy Fudge that is/was delicious. She made this fudge only an hour after telling me that I’ve gained weight & asked me if I was eating healthy. Sometimes they drive me nuts & I just don’t understand the logic behind their thoughts. Of course I wasn’t allowed to help make the fudge after the BBQ incident where she thought I was “cross-contaminating” our food because I didn’t run in to wash the spatula off right away after firing up the grill. Sigh. Someday I vow to impress her with my cooking. Also, I washed my hands so many times over the course of the weekend that they are now so dry that they are actually starting to crack.
Without full story, here are some tidbits from my weekend because this blog post is already uber long:
- The weather was absolutely gorgeous, however my parents were freezing so I couldn’t open my house up.
- I tried watching “Elizabeth” the movie and my parents insisted on watching it with me… I’m still uncomfortable watching sex scenes with my parents, and this one had an orgy scene. Facepalm!
- They “taught” my dog, Astrid to “sing” Happy Birthday, now my dog won’t stop barking at the most annoying moments.
- I slept on the couch and gave them my room, they still woke me up everyday at 4 a.m. even though the livingroom is opposite side of the house from my room & kitchen.
- I was forced to watch the Weather Channel & *gulp* Fox News until they felt they had a good handle on what was going on around them for the moment.
- This morning they had meant to be on the road by 4 am, they woke me up but didn’t leave until well after 5 a.m. because they couldn’t go until the “coffee kicked in” and they both had their morning stools. There was no way I was going to get any sleep before I had to be up for work anyways.
Overall, it was a great visit and I’m super glad it won’t be repeated for another year.